sometimes i wonder if ppl rlly like the stuff i post

if ppl can understand what im saying

if im putting too much abt myself out there

my digital life has always been a cycle

a cycle of: share everything > pull back > share everything > pull back

and maybe for some, tht feels reasonable but not for me

it feels like im always on the periphery of online spaces

always too late to the party bc of time zones and always struggling to understand other online cultural spaces

i've spent more time having to decode memes, injokes and everything belonging to the slavic collective of this community

its an interaction deficit that wears me down more often than i like to admit

and i always wonder if other people do similar things when i post

if they share other feelings i have like:

if i have to constantly feel like im putting too much effort that others wont show

if im the one who has to constantly play nice even if i feel patronized down to

but sometimes the person who reintroduced me to this makes me feel a sort of unintentional guilt:

at how i pulled back to invest in other spaces that felt more my vibe

at how i started to resent him for constantly making me feel obligated to interact with him

at how i digitally stare at him through windows while wondering if he's doing ok while also feeling bad for interacting with other people

at how i'll spend more time with ppl like matt, kurty, sano or cubed than him

at how its so much easier to text matt, send kurty a video and have her gush abt it to me, joke around with sano, or tease cubed abt smth than it is with him

at how my feelings abt him are more complicated than they used to be in how i love and hate him, in how i want him to stick around but go away, in how i want to remain in bliss but wake up to the music

and to him: everything has become too complicated between us and i dont know if u picked up on it but i did and it's killing me more than i'd like u to know

i read too much into things and maybe its in my head

my mind always takes me to worser conclusions

im still gonna be around but sometimes i might not

and honestly the digital world can be a form of never-staying digital ephemera

...but maybe thats the magic of it all

i might not stick around forever but hey, if u liked the stuff i posted, the photo dumps, songposts and video recs...

that makes me feel like my time here was worth everything.

- cybxr